Balancing Act #149, January, 2012
BALANCING ACT: BLENDING LIFE, WORK, AND RELATIONSHIPS®
A free monthly newsletter about balancing life, work, and relationships based on the books and popular workshops conducted by Alan Weiss, Ph.D. Past copies are archived on our web site: http://www.summitconsulting.com.
Copyright 2012 Alan Weiss. All rights reserved.
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Balancing act is in four sections this month:
1. It’s Not Your Mother’s Fault
3. The human condition: Demonization
4. ORTIYKMWOYBNT-O Department
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1. Techniques for balance
From the first Balancing Act, September, 1999 (!!!):
One of the worst mistakes I've ever made was to "compartmentalize" my life. It dawned on me a few years ago that I don't have a "personal life" and a "business life," but simply A LIFE. Consequently, I do things when they feel right, which might include writing an article or taking care of client work on a Saturday morning, and sitting at the pool on a Tuesday afternoon.
Time is the great equalizer, since we all have the same amount of it available. When we say that we don't have the time to help a spouse, watch our children perform, fix things around the house, or improve ourselves, we really mean that we don't consider it a priority. We actually do have the time.
When you receive reading material that you may or may not want to review, place it in an obvious pile where you'll see it every day. Whatever you haven't read after two weeks, simply throw out. It's not urgent and you don't need it.
People often make the mistake of allotting time for various aspects of their life each week, thinking that the technique provides balance (e.g., two hours a day with the pets, an hour every other day exercising, a weekend day with a significant other). But this meting out of hours only provides quantity, not quality. The real test is in the intensity, fulfillment, and enjoyment of the time, not the mere expenditure of it.
Most anger is actually self-directed anger that is transferred to others in order to achieve self-preservation. If you're angry a lot of the time, don't assume you've met a rash of incompetent people on the phone, at work, among customers, and in social settings. Find out why you're really angry with yourself.
A certain amount of stress—eustress—is healthy because it keeps the adrenaline flowing and provides for a sense of urgency. We've all heard others (and/or ourselves) say, "I work best under pressure and approaching deadlines." Don't try to eliminate stress, but do try to manage it so that it creates energy but stops short of anxiety and paralysis.
Most people I've worked with place an inordinate emphasis on correcting weakness and do very little about building on strength. No one excels by correcting weaknesses (which simply serves to maintain the status quo a little more easily). Find out what your real strengths are (many people are totally unaware of some of them) and make plans to exploit them in work and at play.
Always have a book and a pad and pen next to your bed, even when traveling. If you can't sleep, read the book. If you suddenly have a bright idea, write it down. I find that many people lose their best ideas because they don't capture them quickly after thinking of them.
Balance in life and work is not about equal distribution. It is about variety, diversity, and establishing the correct priorities for yourself. I don't care if I never manage people again, because it's an activity that I loathed. But I get skittish if I don't have a book to read at any given moment when I have the urge to do so.
The "success trap" occurs when you are rewarded and lauded for something that you're good at but actually dislike. This is how jobs get in the way of careers, and necessary evils come to impede our lives. Let your internal gyroscope tell you what's right for you, not external influences.
Every new year brings with it a closer horizon. The cerulean sky and azure sea meet with more of a definition and less of a blend. I recall in Bora Bora being able to actually see the varied colors of the ocean meet in defined lines. Life is like the South Pacific’s gorgeous waters.
So, too, your life becomes more defined with each passing year.
The playwright Tom Stoppard observed once that “Age is such a high price to pay for maturity.” Yet life grows richer as you get older. The heights afford greater perspective and the lows aren’t quite so threatening or elongated. We might never climb Kilimanjaro, but we’ve climbed to other, more dramatic heights in our lives.
To me, the new year (and the passage of time it represents) means that we can more closely examine what’s important to us. We become more involved in Pinteresque moments, taking the time to understand and to question. Sometimes there are no answers, but merely recognizing the question is fulfilling. Life on this planet is a journey, not a destination.
Symbolism is important (else, we wouldn’t need it), and the symbolic “gong” of the changing of the guard of time every January 1 is an excellent opportunity to take a breath, open your eyes, listen to what’s around you, and sniff the wind. There exists the opportunity for reinvention and refocus, not in mere resolutions discarded like used play tickets in the morning, but in sincerely changing aspects of your life.
To leave the starting blocks and race into the new year no different from the way you crossed the finish line in the last one is, to me, a boring pursuit. (And having been a sprinter in my track days, I can attest that we lose a step with each passing year.) Perhaps we should change the distance. Or look for a short cut. Or not run a race at all.
My message is that, once the revelry is over, don’t worry about vacant resolutions that are well meaning but unsupported, intellectual but not emotional. Find instead those changes that will bring new meaning to that closer horizon and your trip toward it.
I’m looking as the titivated Christmas tree still standing, beautiful still, but in its last days. Don’t go into the new year all dressed up but with nowhere to go. The inexorable horizon awaits. Make the best of the distance that remains.
3. The human condition: Demonization
I love a good argument, and often suggest something I don’t actually believe to see how well I can roil things and defend the position. I believe that intelligent and valuable people can have opposing points of view.
It’s fair to debate the view, but sick to demonize the opposition. Once we create labels we create emotional “shields” which prevent all rational communication thereafter. I might disagree with your choice of a movie, but that doesn’t make you (or me) a troglodyte, ignorant, or bereft of decency. It simply means that you saw more humor than I could possibly unearth in, say, “Bridesmaids.”
The media—including the social media platforms—have abetted this tendency to condemn an individual’s personal existence, or a group, or a country, or an ethnicity. We are certainly all, by any objective criteria, more similar than dissimilar, with the exception of what chugs along the synapses inside our heads. I can dislike an opposing politician’s point of view without hating the person. I can disagree with a movement without demanding the expulsion of every member from the community.
When you listen today to anything from a school board hearing on whether athletes with an “F” grade in a class should be allowed to play, to a Facebook or YouTube exchange generating obscenity and hate over opposing views of a singer, you come to realize that we often instantly escalate a difference of opinion to a fight to the finish.
Jefferson noted once that, in matters of taste, swim with the tide, but in matters of principle, stand like a rock. We seem to be throwing rocks—and worse—at every difference in taste, orientation, and perspective. People are beaten at sporting events for rooting for the other team. Coaches are attacked by parents because their kid doesn’t get enough playing time.
When I was chair of the town planning board, I once faced an irate citizen who demanded that an American flag be positioned at a certain point in the room and that the meetings begin with the Pledge of Allegiance. “Why?” I asked. “Because we must show our patriotism at every opportunity!” he asserted.
“Well, I believe that patriotism is manifest in more important ways than the arbitrary reciting of certain words in certain settings,” I told him (just as I believe that true religion is based on a lot more than appearing at a set time in a certain building). The man stormed away, mumbling about my abilities.
When we demonize others we become demons ourselves. In virtually every belief system, a demon is non-human and malevolent. That’s not the picture I want people to remember.
THOUGHT LEADERSHIP WORKSHOP 2012
October 22-24, The Ritz-Carlton, Naples, FL
The third annual conference, limited to 20 people, which has featured Marshall Goldsmith and David Maister the past two years. In 2012 we have MARGARET WHEATLEY, author and consultant whose works include the seminal Leadership and the New Science. Learn how to rise to thought leadership in your field with practical techniques and ongoing support. The graduate session is already sold out a year in advance! Thirteen spots remain. There is no other opportunity like this in the world. The finest venue, great interaction, top people. All lodging and meals are included, discounts only until December 15, 2011.
Read about the 2011 session here:
Sign up for 2012 here:
January 25, 2012
Alan’s Home, East Greenwich, RI
A maximum of six people will engage in both skill and behavioral development to raise and sustain high self-esteem levels. Based on Alan’s longer programs in the U.S., Sydney, and Dublin. Two spots remain. Meals included.
SPEAKING WITH ALAN
March 6-7, 2012
Alan’s Home, East Greenwich, RI
We have space for only 6 people in this session which provides six months of growth in two days. Create a powerful speech, practice it, set the right fees, and establish a marketing plan. Extensive prep work. All meals, lodging, local transportation included. A unique, intensive opportunity with ongoing and detailed feedback from Alan. Two spots remain.
SEALING THE DEAL
Miami, February 7, 2012: Delano Hotel
London, May 8, 2012: Baglioni Hotel
In an extensive day of recorded role-plays and case studies, learn how to establish objectives, metrics, and value that will gain conceptual agreement with a buyer and lead directly to large proposals with almost guaranteed acceptance. We will provide everyone with videos of their simulations, and everyone is encouraged to record their own and others. I’m buying dinner for the first ten registrants in each city.
HOW TO MARKET YOUR BOOK TO MAXIMIZE YOUR BUSINESS
March 27, 2012
The Palace Hotel, New York City
For the first time, detailed techniques on how to convert a published book into exponentially increased business. And that doesn’t rely on how many books you sell! Bring your book or manuscript with you. This isn’t about how to write a book, but how to market it to grow your business. A unique day for serious authors.
ALAN’S THE FRIDAY WRAP™ for 2012
Join me for a 15-minute Friday audio, a 10-minute monthly video, and a full day workshop in June in Los Angeles. Charge yourself up each week with pragmatic and direct advice, including questions from the wrappers. We had over 40 people from all over the world join us in Las Vegas in 2011.
You can still make every weekly session on time!
ADVANCED TELECONFERENCE SERIES FOR 2012
Now there is a learning guide before each teleconference, and a free download, as always. Join us for “Conversation Domination” and “The Mental Gym,” as well at 8 other sessions of advanced skills building.
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4. ONLY READ THIS IF YOU KNOW ME WELL OR YOU'LL BE NEEDLESSSLY TICKED-OFF DEPARTMENT
I flew to Melbourne from Sydney and one of my community members, Andrew Hollo, asked me to dinner with his wife. We were walking to the restaurant and I commented that it was much cooler in Melbourne than Sydney.
“It almost always is,” he said.
“Why would that be?” I asked. “We’re farther south here.”
“True,” said Andrew, “and if you keep going south you’ll be at the South Pole.”
Nothing like a change of hemisphere to freshen up your day….
The louder you yell, the more you’re ignored. But pause at the right time, and people stop to listen. -- AW
Posted 20 December 2011 - 09:42 AM
Balancing Act #149, January, 2012
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