Try to view self-esteem as an action, a movement, a continuing behavior (and self-confidence as a condition created by healthy self-esteem). Why are so many of us so terrible at building and maintaining appropriate levels of esteem (“appropriate” because an excess results in narcissism)?
The doctor is out
I believe this discussion has to be non-therapeutic. That is, if it takes a shrink to help with your self-esteem (which for some people it does) then an article such as this isn’t the answer. But for those of us capable of self-development and introspection, I’d suggest the following areas for growth:
- You need a healthy support structure. Personal relationships directly relate to self-esteem. If you can’t make your relationships work, you’re not going to feel very good about yourself. Consequently, get out of irreparably damaged relationships and build those which are mutually-supportive. If those closest to you aren’t helping you and supporting you (even with relevant disagreements and challenge), then who is going to?
- You have to be positive about yourself. The work of Dr. Martin Seligman on positive self-talk is highly effective. You must learn to regard yourself as a success and as a good person. The comedian Sid Caesar actually roused himself out of a depressed state by talking into a recorder and listening to the playback.
- Self-mastery is about evaluating yourself. Unsolicited feedback is usually useless because it’s for the sender’s benefit. Solicited feedback from respected and learned others can be important. But even that should be one part to three parts, the latter three being your own insights and evaluation. That’s the cocktail mix you should be creating for yourself.
- The value of what you do must be manifest to you, first. You’re not “making a sale,” you’re improving the client’s condition. That is a huge mental leap. As long as you can view the transaction as “giving” and not “taking” then you’re going to be more positive about it (and make more money).
- Be cognizant of the relationship of skills and behavior. Overarching behavior, of course, comprises both skills and talent. The skills can be taught: social etiquette, questioning, problem solving, negotiation, and so on. But the talents are more difficult to develop: enthusiasm, resiliency, humor, persuasiveness, and so forth. Build most strongly on the talents you already possess, because we grow fastest by building on strengths.
- Language is the most important skill you can master, consequently, build your vocabulary, your use of metaphors, your ability to create analogies. These create rapport with clients and prospects, and increase your comfort level.
There is a plethora of bad advice that circulates about “dumbing down” your language, attire, and demeanor. These positions imply that the other person is damaged or threatened or inept.
That’s no way to view a buyer and potential partner, is it? (And I believe these ignorant points of view are promulgated by people who are themselves easily threatened and feel inferior.)
Strong people like to be surrounded by strong people. They infer strength in self-confidence: demeanor, perspective, appearance, intellect, response to challenge. Except for bullies, a group with personality disorders, I’ve never observed powerful people who enjoy being with people they can easily overwhelm or throw off stride. The good ones are lifelong learners who appreciate being around smart people.
The 60s song asked, “Where have all the flowers gone….?” and I’m wondering where all the self-esteem has gone. After all, it was once a highly desirable trait! But that’s before we started to hear about political correctness, and giving everyone a chance, and not counting the score, and not having winners and losers.
The trouble with that is with no winners, you can’t have win/win dynamics, either. Someone does “win” in the marketplace, and it might as well be your client and you. We are all thirsty for leadership, for people who are confident they can be of help, for those we willingly wish to follow.
If you’re not walking in the door feeling good about yourself, no one is going to follow you as you all-too-quickly trudge back to the parking lot.
© Alan Weiss 2008 All rights reserved.
Alan Weiss, Ph.D. probably has the strongest independent consulting brand in the country, and maybe beyond. He is the author of 27 books appearing in 8 languages. His newest is The Global Consultant (with Omar Kahn) coming out from Wiley in the fall. He runs the unique Million Dollar Consulting® College three times a year. He has won dozens of writing and consulting awards and is a member of the Professional Speaking Hall of Fame.® Contact him at http://www.summitconsulting.com, or his blog, http://www.contrarianconsulting.com.